Janet and John at the hospital by J. S. Raynor

I have always been a great admirer of Sir Terry Wogan and enjoyed his breakfast programme for many years.  His “Janet and John” stories were fantastic and the fact that Terry never read them before airing them to the nation added to the sense of fun exuded by this great man.  In honour of him I wrote my own version of one of these stories:

Copyright J. S. Raynor, 2008, 2017

After many years of raised blood pressure caused by John’s antics, Janet needed to see the consultant at the hospital heart unit for a check-up.

As she was called into the consulting room, she said to John, “Just wait for me here and don’t get into any trouble.”

“I won’t”, said John as he settled in the comfortable seat.  After a few minutes, Miss Frobisher, walked into the area and saw John, playing with the tassels on his suit and looking rather bored.

“Hello, John.  What are you doing, here?”

“Oh, I’m just waiting for Janet, while she is with the consultant.”

“John, could you help me?  I’ve had a cancellation and I  need to re-calibrate the echo-cardiogram system.  It wouldn’t take very long.  Would you like to help?”

“Yes, of course.”  John skipped happily as Miss Frobisher led the way to her laboratory.

“I’ll need you to take off your top, John.”  As he struggled to unfasten the ties on his suit, she said, “Here, let me help.”  With her nimble fingers, John’s silk top and knitted woolen vest were soon removed.  See John shiver.

“Please lie down on this bed, and then I can prepare you.”  John’s eyes grew wide as he allowed Miss Frobisher to apply very messy jelly to his chest.  “This jelly makes the job easier.”

“Ooh, it’s very cold and it tickles.”

Miss Frobisher ran the probe over John’s chest, while watching the screen.  “My, that’s quick, John – I found the spot straight away.  Just see your heart beating.”  She turned the monitor round to give him a good view.  As she increased the speaker volume,  he could even hear his own heartbeat.

After a few minutes, Miss Frobisher said, “John, do you think you could turn onto your left side and raise your hand above your head?”

“Yes, of course.”  He did as she requested, allowing her to run the probe up near his armpit.

“Perfect! Thank you so much, John.  You have been a great help.  Here, use this tissue to clean the jelly off.”  She assisted him in wiping the messy jelly off his chest.  He put his vest and top back on and skipped happily back to the waiting room.

“Where have you been?” asked Janet, rather sternly.  “I told you to wait here.”

“Oh, Miss Frobisher asked me if she could have  me for a quickie.  She took off my clothes and covered me with jelly.  She said that it would make it better and was surprised when we found the spot so quickly.  My heart was pounding so fast that I could hear it clearly while she probed me for best contact. Then she decided to try me in a different position and asked me to put my hand up.  She was really pleased with the results and thanked me for helping her.  I did get a stain on my clothes, but she said it would soon disappear.”

Do you know how far a clinical thermometer can be pushed up John’s rectum?  Janet does!!


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